In which I reveal myself as the melodramatic person that I really am

Regarding my last post, in my defense, I’d like to say that it was entirely true.  I really could see in Gus’s eyes that something was different and he knew it.  And frankly, he seemed to behave differently for a couple of days.

But the good news is that he has the lovely short memory of a 6 month old, and he’s forgotten all about it.  I’ve made up for it as best as I could with lots of love and snuggles, and he’s back to his old self.  I’m sure having tons of family in town all of last week for his baptism – family who doted all over him, of course – didn’t hurt matters.

In retrospect, though, I can all see that my overreaction had a lot to do with one thing: my (re)deepening depression.  As I feared, it’s back and back with a vengeance.  I was feeling so amazing for the first 2-3 months of Gus’s life, better than I had in years, but the clouds have crept back in.  And because of it, I did what I always do and stopped taking my meds: including the Zoloft.  I get in this place when I’m depressed where I feel I don’t “deserve” to be healthy, and that my health problems are physical manifestations of the worthless person that I am.  In some ways, it’s not even a conscious thought.  But it happens time and time again nonetheless.

So off I went to my doctor last week, and we did two things.  First, we changed my metformin dosage (I take this to help with the insulin resistant aspect of my PCOS, not for diabetes).  I’d switched off of the extended release version at the beginning of the year due to an insurance change that made it very expensive.  I know that the wildly swinging hormones of untreated PCOS can play a role in depression, so my met is every bit as important as my Zoloft.  But the problem is, the new dosage was to be taken 3 times per day, and I just could NOT remember my midday dose EVER.  And I almost never remembered the morning one.  I’m a nighttime pill person, and that’s all I could remember.  But then with the depression, I wasn’t taking it at all.  I decided to ask for the XR back, but the doctor and I came up with a good middle ground – we switched me to a twice a day dosage.  If I still don’t take it, then we’ll switch to XR.  However, I think I can get myself into a rhythm where I remember to take it in the morning, so hopefully that won’t be necessary. 

Then in addition to this change, we upped my Zoloft.  I was only on the lowest dose, 25 mg, so we put me on 50.  But my doctor said to let him know in a month or two if I still wasn’t feeling right, and we could up it to 100 mg.   I’m hopeful, though, that 50 will do the trick..

And so now that Gus’s baptism is over and we’re all starting to get healthy, I have one goal: getting my life back on track.  The first order of business?  Losing weight.  Nate and I have been trying to figure out what to do about this for awhile, but after seeing my brother-in-law and sister-in-law this weekend, who lost over 100 pounds between the two of them on Slim Fast, that’s what we’re going to try first.  I’m a little hesitant to ingest all those chemicals, but it does seem like the diet I’m most likely to stick with, and that’s the real key.  I can segue to a more whole foods oriented diet eventually, but I’ve got to get going.  Also, now that we’re all healthy (please let this last!), I can start going to the gym again, so I’m going to try to start working out 4 times a week.

I’m also on a mission to get the other two big things I struggle with – housekeeping and staying on a budget – under control.  I’m planning on doing what I do best and making lots of lists and plans.  It helps me feel a little more in control.  But also, I find that when I successfully lose weight, it helps these other areas of my life fall into place.  The increased self confidence and the greater structure in my life just seem to have a ripple effect.

So there you have it.  Hopefully the meds will kick in and I’ll be feeling better and posting more in no time.