Sleep, interrupted

So yesterday I was complaining that Gus wasn’t able to sleep enough. Now he just won’t!

Maggie spiked a fever again this morning and is not feeling well at all. So I decided we’d have another family nap like on Monday. A little after 10, Gus fell sound asleep nursing. I laid him down, got Maggie, and we both laid down. We snuggled for a bit, and then I rolled over to go to sleep. It was 10:22. At 10:43, I was woken out of a sound sleep of my own by Gus screaming bloody murder. He sounded pained, and I wondered if his ear was hurting him, so I gave him some Tylenol and nursed him again. Then I laid him down with some music and his mobile, praying he’d fall back asleep. He didn’t.

I know I shouldn’t be so tired, but I’ve been having intense insomnia for a month now. Even though I slept well last night, I’m still dead tired. And then to be woken out of a deep sleep so suddenly and after such a short time…I just feel sick. I’m hoping that when Gus naps again, it will be a real one and we can all get a couple solid hours of sleep.

Romanticizing violence

Why is it that there is often something oddly appealing about the idea of violence?  Not so much actual violence, but simply the idea of it.  Is this a uniquely American thing, derived from our revolutionary and manifest-destiny seeking history?  Or is it some fundamentally human impulse?  Does everyone feel it occasionally?  Are all women attracted to “the bad boy” on some level?  Is this fascination a luxury only available to those, like myself, who have been fortunate enough never to experience real violence?

I just find it strange to recognize this part of myself, because I consider myself (mostly) a pacifist, and I can’t imagine raising my hand (much less a weapon) to anyone in violence.  I have a HOT temper, but it takes a lot for me even to lash out verbally at someone.  (Mostly, I just unload on poor Nate after the fact or yell out my frustrations at stupid drivers who can’t hear me.)  Even in self-defense, I don’t know if I’d actually be able to harm another human being; I fear I’d end up on the dead end of a self-defense scenario. 

However, I notice that a lot of my entertainment choices are surprisingly violent.  I’m a big fan of The Sopranos, 24, and Heroes.  I recently saw The Departed and absolutely loved it, much as I did another violent Scorsese classic, Goodfellas.  One of my all-time favorite film scenes is the fight early in Good Will Hunting where Will and his friends have a brawl with a group of thugs who’d been verbally harrassing a girl.  It’s shown in slow motion, each punch, kick and head snap exaggerated, with Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” playing hauntingly in the background.  And last night, I found myself oddly enthralled by The Black Donnellys premier (prompting this post) and was particularly attracted to Tommy, the smart, thoughtful one with a hand of steel but a conflicted soul.  Wathcing it, I was reminded of the scene in the aforementioned Goodfellas where Henry violently beats and pistol whips a man who had assaulted his girlfriend, Karen.  When Henry gives her the bloody gun to hide, Karen’s voice over says, “I know there are women who would have gotten out the minute their boyfriend gave them a gun to hide.  But I didn’t.  I got to admit the truth.  It turned me on.”

Of course, the difference here is that I am truly only attracted to the idea of violence.  If my (purely hypothetical) boyfriend gave me a gun to hide, I WOULD run the other way.  Violence in reality scares me to death.  But there is something about fictional violence that makes my pulse race a little.  And it’s certainly not the gore; I actually turn my head at gore.  But I guess if I think about it, the common thread is that I’m attracted to violence with a “good” purpose, like in 24 or Heroes.  And that definition extends in some strange way to shows and movies about organized crime because so much of the violence is perpetrated out of a sense of honor.  A warped sense of honor, no doubt, but perhaps it’s the Irish in me that finds the idea of defending one’s honor with violence vaguely noble. 

In any case, this is something I often ponder when I’ve indulged myself in some violence-laden film or show.  It actually bothers me quite a bit because I don’t want to find violence appealing, and because I wonder how much violent entertainment does relate to desensitization, which in turn creates real violence and/or apathy toward real violence.  Who knows?  But it’s both interesting and disturbing to consider.

Who knew?

I expected Nate’s five week recovery from his eye surgery to be difficult, and in many ways it was.  (Especially for him, I imagine!)  But I found that when it was time for him to return to work last week, none of us were ready for him to go.  Certainly, the last couple of weeks had been much easier since he was over the worst of the recovery and was feeling largely himself; it was only his continued low vision that kept him at home.  But he’d gotten the go ahead to be able to hold Gus again, so he was able to help out with a lot of the parenting again, and things were actually very nice.  We were able to eat dinner at a regular time everyday (his job is very unpredicable, and he’s rarely done before 7).  There was someone else to hold Gus when he was fussy.  Maggie had an extra playmate.

But today, I’m getting a reminder of another big reason I miss him: preschool.  When Nate was home, I could leave Gus here while I ran Maggie to and from school.  I’m only gone about 15 minutes each time, but it really is a pain to bundle Gus up and get him in and out of the car twice because it’s school policy that we have to go into the building to pick the kids up.  But more than that, it’s really messing with Gus’s sleeping.  In the 2 months that have passed since I had to do this regularly, Gus has settled into a bit of a routine.  And wouldntcha know, preschool is right smack dab in the middle of both of his naps.  So this morning, I had to wake him after only an hour, and this afternoon, he’s going to get only about half an hour! 

It’s very frustrating, and I know it’s not good for him either.  But what choice do I have?  I know virtually no one in our neighborhood, and there’s certainly no one who I can ask to just pop in and sit with him for 15 minutes twice a day.  I just wonder how this is going to affect him.  On the one hand, it IS only twice per week, so he should get 5 normal days.  But on the other hand…it’s only twice per week.  He can’t adapt to a new routine to accomodate it.  I must say that I’m selfishly very glad that Maggie will be taking the bus to school next year, so this won’t be an issue for too much longer.

Official bullying

Over the last week, I’ve been filling out the zillion or so forms necessary for Maggie to start kindergarten.  (Say wha’?  This could be a very long entry on its own.  In fact, it probably will be eventually.)  Among them is the waiver I must sign because we’ve chosen to decline the varicella and Prevnar vaccines. 

And it pisses me off.

Michigan actually has fairly liberal laws regarding vaccinations.  A parent can decline them for any reason; in many states only religious or medical waivers are allowed.  But based on the paperwork we receive, you’d be hard pressed to know this.  All of them refer to the vaccinations as “mandatory.”  Then somewhere in fine print it will mention that waivers are available.  And then the waiver itself nearly drips with a ”you are an irresponsible parent and a terrible human being” vibe.  In fact, there is a note to school administrators to only give the form out “when necessary.”  Um, excuse me?  It’s not up to the receptionist at the school to decide to give me that form, nor is it her job to counsel me on whether or not I should vaccinate.  It is my legal right to obtain the waiver (and in defense of the schools, both times I’ve needed to request them, no one has hassled me – it’s simply the wording on the form that raises my hackles), and that little notice is unnecessary and clearly only placed there to remind those who receive it that the state disagrees with us. 

What I want to know is, why is it so bad for a parent to make an informed decision?  I don’t think most people who don’t vaccinate do it lightly.  Those who decline them for religious reasons may not have done any significant research, but we (rightfully so) cut people a lot of slack in this country to follow their religious beliefs, no matter how strongly we may disagree with them.  And the people who decline them for medical reasons have almost certainly done research and/or been counseled by their doctors.  (And in any case, there is a separate form for medical waivers that I suspect is less hostile.)  So then what about the rest of us?  The ones who decline for personal reasons?  To be completely honest, I don’t think most people even know they have the right to choose; as I’ve just explained, the forms all make that very unclear.  Most doctors don’t even discuss the issue unless the parents bring it up, and the majority will try to disuade you.  (Which is another vent for another day.)  So for those of who have actually questioned the necessity of some/all vaccines, I can assure you that almost all of us have done significant research.

And not without a lot of teeth gnashing and hair pulling, might I add.  It’s not easy to make a decision that goes so strongly against what is accepted as the norm in our culture, and which many people consider downright irresponsible.  I’ve done lots and lots of research, which is more than most people who choose to ACCEPT the vaccinations can say.  And to be honest, there are other vaccinations I think about declining, but the research isn’t quite as strong for me, so even though my gut is against them, I do them anyway.  I’m too hesitant to rock the boat anymore than I already do. 

So although it doesn’t surprise me, it still makes me angry that after making an informed and difficult decision, there are still so many out there who disrespect my choice.  Who make it more difficult not only for me to exercise my choice, but for others to know that there even IS a choice.  Why is this one of the few things that is almost not even up for rational debate (like breastfeeding or spanking) among mainstream parents?  I am a good parent, and I don’t take this decision lightly.  Let me make it without trying to bully me into submission.

Reflections on an illness

The past several days have been stressful ones.  We were very fortunate that Maggie never had anything more than a mild cold or ear infection until she was nearly 3, so I’ve never experienced the illness of an infant.  And although I think I’ve done a good job of putting on a strong face, inside I was often quaking.  Did I just see a little retraction around his ribs?  He hasn’t eaten in 4 hours, is that OK?  It’s been awhile since his last wet diaper, is he getting dehydrated?  Does his cough sound worse right now?  Was that a wheeze I just heard?  Is he spiking a fever again?  Is he throwing up too much?  Every little question filled me with fear. 

And beyond that, there were the simply difficult things.  He’s bitten me often when I tried to nurse him due to the pain in his ear.  Breathing treatments are a huge chore that he often screams through.  Even though the pink amoxicillin tastes good, he doesn’t recognize that yet, and he spits it out little by little.  He gets a HUGE dose (a full teaspoon 3 times per day), so it takes forever to squirt in amounts small enough that he can’t easily spit them out, and I’d guess he’s still lucky to get half of the full dose.  Although I do my best to wipe away the parts he spits out before it hits his clothes, it inevitably does.  And even if I were to be 100% successful in this pursuit, any little spit up (of which he has many) is tinged with pink.  Then there are the not-so-little spit ups: he’s had a few HUGE vomiting episodes with this illness.  And the poops, oh the poops!  I do believe the stench of them has seared off most of my nose hairs.

But then.

Then he settles in for a long, hungry nursing session and falls asleep.  When I pick him up to take him to bed, he grins in his sleep, letting a little dribble of milk roll down his cheek.  As I move him up to my shoulder and lay my cheek against his temple, there is no heat.  I can no longer hear a deep rattle from his chest.

And I know he will be OK, and that every last little annoyance is worth it to have my son healthy and happy again.

Am I being tested?

Now Maggie is sick, too.  She woke up this morning and immediately started crying that her tummy hurts.  She’s not much of a crier, so I could tell she was genuinely in a lot of pain.  I was SURE she was going to yarf.  Fortuantely, she didn’t.  After about 20 minutes, whatever had been hurting her seemed to pass, but she was very warm, so I took her temp.  It was 101.  She’s definitely got something.

So we took Nate to work, and when we got home, I decided to try to get all of us to take a nap together.  Maggie hasn’t napped regularly in well over a year, but she’ll sleep when she’s sick, and she was eager for a nap, especially because every so often, she’d complain that her tummy really hurt again.  Gus nursed, but he didn’t fall asleep.  Still, he’d been up for well over two hours, so I was sure he’d fall asleep as soon as I put him down.  We all headed back to the bedroom, and Maggie immediately dropped off to sleep after a quick snuggle.  Gus, however, refused to sleep.  Finally, after 30 minutes, I got us both back up so he wouldn’t wake Maggie. 

I tried nursing him, but he refused.  He’s normally a very eager nurser, but this ear infection is clearly bothering him a lot, and he’ll only eat when he gets to the point where he’s starving.  I decided just to play with him for awhile and try again later.  After about 30 minutes, I heard a HUGE explosion from his backside, so off to the bedroom we went for a diaper change.  These antibiotics are really hard on his little intestines, and they make his poop literally smell like rotten eggs.  (And yes, I mean “literally”; I’m not one of those idiots who says “literally” when I mean “figuratively.”)  Anyway, the diaper change unfortunately woke Maggie up, so we all got up although I had yet to have a nap myself and was exhausted due to insomnia last night and the stress of the last few days.

After about an hour, Gus finally fell asleep.  He still hadn’t nursed again, which is what usually puts him to sleep, but he passed out on my shoulder.  I went to put him down and then planned to come back with Maggie and me.  However, when I returned to the family room, Maggie was clearly feeling sicker.  She was actually shivering.  I took her temp again, and it had climbed to 102.  Normally, I believe in the school of thought that says you should leave a fever alone as much as possible because it is doing its job, fighting off infection.  However, I also believe that if the child is miserable, it’s OK to medicate.  I honestly don’t think a fever has made Maggie miserable before; little kids are remarkably resilient, and fevers don’t seem to affect them as badly as they do adults.  But she was in tears and shivering from being so cold, so I gave her some ibuprofen.

It was the right decision.  After that, we all went and took a long nap, and she woke up feeling like her normal self.  I highly doubt she’s miraculsouly healed after an illness that lasted 4 hours, but at least she is feeling better, and *I* feel better that whatever it is isn’t too serious.  But we’ll see how things go when the ibuprofen wears off.

In any case, between dealing with two sick kids and absolutely miserable weather, I am SO ready for our vacation to New York next week.  I’m just hoping and praying that both the kids and the weather will improve before then.

And since this thing is on

I’d like to direct any new readers to my “About” links in the upper right corner.  All 3 of them will help to shed some light on my perspective on a lot of things in this blog.

Wow, this thing really IS on

Sheesh, this is only my second blog.  The other one was at Blogger.  (Long rant, but they LOST my blog.  It’s still viewable, but it poofed from my dashboard, and no one can tell me why, when they bother to respond to me at all.)  In the couple of months that I had it, although it was technically public, no one (to my knowledge) visited it other than the family and friends I’d sent the address to.  Well, not counting the porn spammers, of course.

So imagine my surprise to find that in about 30 minutes, I already had 2 comments on my insurance vent!  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  The egotistical side of me is thrilled to have anyone outside of my own little corner of the universe acknowledge my existence and respond to my thoughts and ideas.  The childish side of me doesn’t like that they disagree with me, haha.  Most of the people who I send this address to personally are pretty much on the same wavelength as I am about most things, so it was a bit of a surprise to read my 2 comments.

That said, I’m not sure how one goes about debating in a blog.  I’m not particularly sure I even have the time to participate in a blog debate!  But I do welcome comments, whether they agree with me or disagree with me, and know that I read them all, whether I can reply or not.

Regarding that particular post, since I’ve got the time, I’ll make these two points:

1. I agree that there are problems with the way we work malpractice in this country, and it extends beyond the problems with health insurance.  You might call me a bit of a birth junkie, and I’m beyond frustrated at how constrained women’s choices have become because doctors are frightened of a malpractice suit.  The concept of malpractice is a very good and important one, and I think there are times when large awards are justified, but I also think the system is abused.  In fact, as a whole, Americans go overboard with lawsuits. 

2. I know that nationalized health care isn’t perfect in other countries.  However, I respectfully disagree that what we have is better.  The one advantage of our country being so behind in implementing nationalized health care is that we can learn from the mistakes of others.  I fully believe that in this great nation, there are people out there intelligent enough to figure out how to take the good from all the systems to create the best system.  Not a perfect system, because nothing is perfect, but the best system.

And also, on the point of being willing to pay more – well, not everyone has that luxury.  For all too many Americans, there is no extra money to rearrange to pay for outrageous health costs.  A full-time, minimum-wage job is barely enough to pay rent.  Then add in food, utilities, child care, transportation, and all the other costs of day-to-day life, and there’s no room to pay $230 in medical costs in a single month.  And even for those families like my own who are making beyond minimum wage, it’s still a struggle.  We’re lucky enough to be able to swing it, but I know of many people who couldn’t.  And as it is, it’s going to make this an interesting month.  It seems that with every passing year, insurance is becoming less and less affordable, even for fairly comfortable middle-class families.

A vent about the American health care system

If I had the magical ability to change one thing about America, it would be fixing our sadly broken health care system.  I am an enormous advocate of some sort of nationalized medicine.  I’ll honestly admit that I have no idea how it would work at this point, but I also think that Congress is doing very little to work out a constructive solution when it should be an absolute priority.  From about the time I got married and was faced for the first time with the reality of affording health care in this country, I’ve considered this a pressing issue.  It’s something I talk about with people often, and it seems that everyone agrees that the current system is deeply flawed, and yet things seem only to get steadily worse.

This is something weighing particularly heavily on my mind right now due to the month we’re having.  Let me preface this by saying that we have relatively decent health care and Nate makes a relatively decent salary.  Now his health problems do put us in a different category from people who only see the doctor for sick visits, but as you’ll see in a moment, that only accounts for a small amount of our current predicament.  The bigger issue is actually dealing with a simple illness.

Gus has bronchitis.  He caught the cold we all had, but for some reason, it progressed to bronchitis.  Because he’s only 4 months old, we’re all being very cautious; things can turn bad very quickly with such a tiny one.  So since Thursday, we’ve been to the doctor twice, urgent care once, and paid for 3 prescriptions.  You want to know what this has cost us? $135 dollars.  And we’re very lucky that urgent care was able to treat him, because if we’d had to go to the ER, the total would have been $235.  And if he’d been admitted to the hospital?  $335. 

Just 2 months ago, the total would all have come to $95.  Our insurance raised ALL of our copays – some by as much as 100% – as of the first of the year.  And the real irony?  Our premiums also DOUBLED.  (And this is the third time they’ve gone up in as many years.)  We’re actually having to pay more to get less coverage.

Making this month particularly difficult is the fact that Gus’s bronchitis isn’t our only medical expense.  Two weeks ago, he had a well child visit: $25.  At that visit, I talked to his doctor about my concerns that he might have scoliosis.  Gus has torticollis, which bends his neck, so he’s been seeing a chiropractor and a physical therapist.  (Both of these are, thankfully, free.  The chiropractor is free because I’m a patient of hers, and she doesn’t charge for children.  Insurance does not cover chiropractic care at all.  They do, however, cover up to 60 visits with a phyiscal therapist for a single condition, which is why the PT is free.)  The chiro, the PT, and myself all noticed the bend in his back and hoped it was simply from the torticollis, but an X-ray was necessary to know for sure.  So I talked to his pediatrician about ordering an X-ray, and it was clear he thought I was being a hypochondriac, but he gave me the order to placate me.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t being a hypochondriac; he does have scoliosis.  So now we’ll have a $35 copay next week to see an orthopedist.  (Specialists used to have the same copay as primary physicians, but they changed that with the copay restructuring at the 1st of the year.)  And finally, Nate has another post-surgical follow up with his ophthalmologist on Friday, which will be another $35.  So our grand total for the period from February 12th to March 2nd will be $230.  (It’s a good thing I’m not pregnant anymore because I had to pay my copay at EACH visit, and a pregnancy that goes to its due date will typically result in a minimum of fourteen visits to the doctor – and that’s prior to labor and delivery.)  Edited to add – And how could I forget?  Gus also has a follow up with the pediatrician on Thursday to make sure he is recovering from the bronchitis, so that’s another $25, bringing the grand total to $255.

How is the average middle class family supposed to make ends meet during a month when they have to spend $255 on medical care, above and beyond their premium.  Certainly, if a family has no debt and plenty of savings, it would be no big deal.  But most middle class families, for reasons both within and without their control, are not fortunate enough to have either of these.  So where does the $255 come from?  If they’ve got some room on credit cards, that’s where it will go.  Otherwise, they’ll probably end up behind on bills or living off of peanut butter sandwiches and beans and ramen noodles.  But what happens if that month isn’t an anomaly?  What if someone gets cancer or has a car accident and a month that only cost $255 was a good one?  The out of pocket costs are staggering and wholly overwhelming.  A 2005 report in Health Affairs found that nearly half of all bankruptices in 2001 resulted from medical expenditures, even though 75% of those filing for this reason had health insurance! 

We’ll manage to scrape it all together this month, in part by buckling down on our few “luxuries” (dinner at Ruby Tuesdays! a movie from Hollywod Video!) and a little extra help from our families who are, fortunately, in a position to be able to help.  But we’re among the lucky ones – for now, at least.  It can all turn on a dime, and that’s very scary.

Something clearly is not working.

An imponderable

Here is something I wonder about every time someone in the family has a cold, and I’m shopping cold medicines.

What on earth is the reason for creating a drug that contains both a cough expectorant and a cough suppressant?  I mean, the whole point of an expectorant is to loosen things up so you can cough them out more effectively.  So then why would you want to stop the coughing?  Wouldn’t that be kind of like making pot brownies and throwing in some Dexatrim? 

This genuinely confuses me.